Lost

Hello.

I don’t know what to write, or how to put it into words. I have had writer’s block for months.  The events of the last two weeks have overwhelmed me, and shaken me to my core. Two weeks ago this morning, I found out that I lost someone. This person was so dear to me, so important, that I cannot describe the pain, sorrow, and grief.  I didn’t tell people on social media. I have only told a couple of people, in person. It is difficult to describe our relationship. I promised myself I would not go into detail or write about it. I only write about it now, because I went to Lake Michigan to drop a flower in the water and say a prayer.  When I got home, I found out that my second disability appeal was denied. To say that I am devastated doesn’t cover it. I doubled over in waves of grief and nausea for a time; then sat for over an hour, staring into the darkness. At times, the tears flowed. I struggle with ‘The Dark Side” the most during the night. To me, ‘The Dark Side” creeps up after sunset, and it is when the thoughts of ‘I am wasted space,” “I don’t belong here,” “It will never get better,” “I have no purpose,” “What’s the point?” etc. get the better of me. I don’t believe in suicide, but this is the closest my mind goes. I argue with myself. I tell myself that my body and brain are fighting one another, that my Fibromyalgia is bad, it is the pain talking, etc.  I always tell myself to just hold on until morning, because I always wake up with renewed hope and a positive outlook.

For the first time, I woke up, and nothing was better. I stared out the window in silence. It took a lot for me to get moving today. My mom encouraged me to run errands with her. I guess it helped. I took a nap, because I did not sleep well at all, as usual. I showered and dressed in my pajamas, my home attire. I vaguely remember a friend of my nephew’s comforting me last night. I am grateful. I have only told one friend, who was kind. I thought of contacting people individually, but it is so overwhelming, I cannot speak the words. Between the two weeks, I have had one disaster after another, Mary Moments to be sure, but not fun ones for me. I feel like, no matter what I do, something goes wrong.

I did see some ‘Signs,’ if I want to label them as such. Some I will keep to myself, some I will share sometime. I have a couple of rays of hope, and then darkness again. It would be great if I could share some uplifting, happy news, but I have none. Reading the Bible makes me feel like I cannot concentrate, because I read it like a novel. I tend to re-read the same chapter and have little recollection of what I have just read. My ‘projects,’ genealogy, scanning my media into digital, archiving paperwork, helping others with their family trees, etc. seem pointless now. A dear friend of mine challenged me to write down my positive qualities months ago, and I still have avoided it.

If I could describe how I feel, it is ‘lost.’ I lost someone. I lost my only way to survive. I lost my purpose, my drive, my focus, and my energy. I don’t want to harm myself, but I want to be in Heaven with my loved ones. My cousin had a baby yesterday, and it kept me from dwelling on the urge to walk in the middle of a busy street. I am unable to separate my emotional from my physical. My friend asked me to be gentle with myself. Not sure how to do that, I confess. For the last two weeks, I have pushed myself by keeping busy, so I don’t have to think of how much I miss my person. I just don’t have it in me. Very little seems important, now. I am forcing myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other. To do what I normally would do. Somewhere,  I read that routine helps. So, I will keep up with the routine of life, until life comes back into my being.  Praying for myself is difficult for me, so if you feel like praying for me, I appreciate it. Good night for now.